Monday, 19 March 2012

Seeing positives instead of negatives

As recently as a few weeks ago, I would see the negatives in life and not the positives.  Seeing young children, especially girls would cause a lot of distress to me.  Young girls, about the same age as Lizzie-Lu (she was supposedly born June 2006) would upset me because I felt that their parents were bragging that they had their daughter when I didn't.  But also, I would notice children staring at me.  I don't ever remembering a child smile at me, although they probably did once in a while.  I was convinced that the children staring at me could see the evil in me, and that they never smiled at me because they knew I was a bad person.

Today, in Tesco, a young girl gave me a big smile and showed me a new toy her parents had bought her as she walked past me.  So I smiled back at her and it gave me a warm feeling.  That little girl smiling at me made my day and I reckon I wouldn't have remembered her smiling at me a few weeks ago.  I would have only remembered the little ones who stared at me.  But I remembered the big smile and it's amazing how little things can really make your day!

On a less positive note, I was at the hospital today.  Not for psychiatric reasons for once, but because I've not been well for about 18 months.  The doctor took me seriously... until I told him my diagnosis.  As soon as I said schizophrenia, the look on his face just made me realise how I'm probably never going to be taken seriously in the medical profession ever again.  But he at least referred me for endoscopy, but I believe he was just doing that to cover himself in case something was wrong and I was (SHOCK HORROR!!!) a schizophrenic being truthful!!  I'll admit, I have lied to doctors before, once to get out of hospital (and soon after I was out, I confessed) and other times when the dominant voice blackmailed me to lie to them.  But I'm painfully honest at times and the rest of the time just completely honest.  So I don't like the implication that I'm a liar.

But I have to go now.  I told my Mum I would do something and I'm going to do it.  Not because I have to, but because I don't like going back on promises as I feel that's akin to lying.  So I'm off.


  1. Hi
    The look on the doctor's face - it could have been that he was just thinking schizophrenia is such an unfair diagnosis to burden someone with. Or it could have been that he was thinking of someone else he knows who has been given that label - or that he had forgotten to pack himself something for lunch and was thinking about that and hadn't even heard what you had said.
    I do as you do all the time - the CBT counsellor I have been seeing calls it mind-reading. I am pretty intuitive, but I don't actually know what others are thinking - although in the past I would always interpret it to be something negative about me. You need to learn not to care what he might be thinking - he referred you for the treatment you need so it doesn't matter - or at least to consider other options than he is thinking you are a liar because of your diagnosis.
    I only mention this because my idea of myself as a schizophrenic was really not helpful - I self-stigmatised for a long time, and just held the worst possible opinion of myself.
    You need to build your self-esteem - tell yourself you are not a schizophrenic, you are a human being who has suffered emotional distress and you are no different than anyone else in the general population.
    In Japan in the early 2000's the label 'schizophrenia' was changed to something else - I forget what, but something calmer sounding - and the number of diagnoses of the 'new' illness went up threefold in a really short space of time.
    Schizophrenia is not a fact!

    1. Hi,

      As I said, I do look at the positives more now, such as in children's reactions to me but I have had such bad experiences with doctors ignoring me and talking to my parents instead of me that I analyse doctors looks as derogatory. After all, if you've been unwell for over a year and a GP doesn't even refer you to the hospital for a few months, then it does tend to make me think that he thinks I'm lying.

      I am in a negative mood today but only because I came back from my job agency and they've closed my file. The closure was mutual consent but I'm a bit worried because my psychiatrist was only happy that I was OK because I was working and looking for paid work so I must have been OK. I'm worried in case he thinks I'm no longer OK and hauls me in for a re-assessment. I don't have a CPN anymore because my care co-ordinator was my psychologist who I ditched a couple of months ago and there's no longer any weekly support bar my support worker. I get on great with my support worker but she's not a CPN or psychologist so I've no one to talk to really anymore.

      But that's enough of the pity party!!! I shall get back to writing and try and be more positive!!! Thanks for the post about the e-book self publishing, if I go down that route, it will be really helpful!

      Katy x