Monday, 11 February 2013

How to Enjoy Your Appointments With the Psychiatrist

As my previous post on How to Enjoy your Insanity seems to have been a success, I thought I'd try another joke post. This could end up being a disaster so I apologise in advance if it is!

These are ways to enjoy your appointments with your psychiatrist. I've written it as if the psychiatrist is male. The reason is because my psychiatrist is male and it's easier for me to write 'he' rather than 'he/she'. No going into analysis as to why I've used a male psychiatrist. It is simply because I have a male psychiatrist. No other or hidden reason! Also, my psychiatrist isn't called David either. It was just a random name. No analysis on that either!

1. This will require forward planning but on the day of your appointment, hide in the car park before your psychiatrist starts work and watch him in secret when he arrives. Note down what clothes he is wearing and buy the exact same outfit down to the shoes, any jewellery and glasses (if applicable). When he calls you in for your appointment, pretend you haven't noticed that he is wearing an identical outfit to you. When he points it out, tell him that you are dressed in completely different clothing to him. If he tries to protest that you are wearing an identical outfit, point out that he is wearing a white shirt (or whatever top he has on) and you have a green cardigan on. Raise an eyebrow and get him to start the appointment. NOTE: This one's *really* good if you are male and your psychiatrist is female.

2. Now that your psychiatrist has started the appointment, you will be asked (as always) how you are. Instead of answering "Fine thank you" or similar, answer his question with questions of your own. Ask him why he always feels the need to ask you how you are. Ask him if he feels he needs to please you, and if he feels he needs to please everybody. Ask him if this need to please everybody could be linked to an event in his childhood. Keep these sorts of questions up and before you know it, your psychiatrist will be the crying mess rocking backwards and forwards on the floor instead of you.

3. When your psychiatrist stops weeping and finally gets the conversation back to you, tell him how you think you are doing really well and how he has really helped you. Tell him that you think he's doing really well in his studies and how with a little bit more training, he'll make a really good psychiatrist one day. When he tells you that he's already a qualified psychiatrist, look at him with your best confused look and say "Really?"

4. Produce a device that has a Text to Speech function or a Speak and Spell toy. Communicate to your psychiatrist with this, throwing in an insult every so often. Every time an insult is read out, follow it up with 'Sorry, autocorrect'. This is even better on a Speak and Spell that has no autocorrect. Cue evil laughter here.

5. Once the conversation returns to 'normal' (whatever that strange word means) launch into a powerful and well known song. I'm thinking 'We Are The Champions' or the 'Na, Na, Na, Nanana Na' bit from 'Hey Jude'. Sing the first line or two and then motion for him to join in. If he doesn't, start at the beginning of the chorus or whatever well known part and refuse to stop until he sings as enthusiastically as you. After singing a line together, suddenly stop singing and then see how long it takes your psychiatrist to stop. If he finishes the song, kudos to him. If he stops abruptly, give him your best quizzical look and ask him what on Earth *that* was about. Bonus points to you if he turns red.

6. Now that your psychiatrist's impromptu singsong is over, produce a tin of dog food and a spoon. Open the tin and start eating. Only you will know that you've actually brought a tin of soup, taken the label off and replaced it with a dog food label. Make sure the soup is a chunky soup and if possible, a brown soup. One that looks like dog food. See how much you can eat before your psychiatrist turns green or even throws up. Just make sure you don't accidentally bring a real tin of dog food. Bleurgh.

7. When he recovers from your little snack, tell him that you have been practising a great card trick recently and ask if he would like to see it. He has to say yes (obviously) so pull out a pack of cards and spread them across the table in front of him. Tell him to pick a card, any card and look at it without letting you see. Ask him if he knows which card is his and when he says yes, tell him to put the card back without letting you see what it is. Shuffle the cards around the table so that his card is well and truly mixed in. Now, stare intently at the cards on the table for a moment as if you are thinking about which card is his. After about a minute, look up at him and ask him if he knows which card is yours. When he looks confused, remind him that he was showing you a new card trick he'd been practising recently. Ask him again if he knows which card is yours. When he tries to point out that you were the one performing the card trick, sigh and say that you had the two of hearts. Tell him to prepare his card tricks a bit better in the future.

8. After the cards have been tidied away, casually start throwing the word 'canary' into your conversation every now and then. So tell him things like "I'm getting on really well with my new support worker but canary I think I would do better with two sessions a week rather than one." Keep on randomly using the word canary until he asks you why you are throwing canaries into the conversation. Tell him you haven't thrown a canary anywhere. Ask him why he has asked you such a bizarre question but before he can answer, ask him if he is seeing canaries when there are none. Tell him that you know what it feels like to see things that aren't there and you can help him. Tell him that hallucinating doesn't make him a bad person and you'll be there for him if he needs you. See how long you can keep this conversation up before he interrupts you. Aim for at least three minutes and any time over five minutes is exceptional.

9. Now that your psychiatrist should be well and truly confused, ask him how he has been. Call him by his first name when you ask him and when he answers, ask him how his symptoms have been since he last saw you. When he looks confused, ask him if he still believes he is a psychiatrist. Before he can answer, produce a notebook and pen and jot down, 'David still believes that he is a psychiatrist. Will increase his medication an extra 100 mg.' Make sure you read out what you are writing so that he can hear you. When he tries to point out that he is a psychiatrist, sigh and look deep in thought. Tell him that you will have to look into other treatments to try and help with these delusions. You score five points for a confused look, ten points for a concerned look and twenty points if he starts doubting his sanity. No points if he laughs this notion off though.

10. Your appointment will be nearly over at this point, so revert back to your sane self (if you have one) and say how pleased you have been with your progress. Ask him if he has been pleased with all the positives that you have mentioned and if he asks which positives you mean, get really annoyed and say how you've been talking about all these positives for so long and he's been ignoring everything you've said. Continue a rant on this topic for as long as possible and finish it off with a "I'm not staying here to be ignored any longer!" Storm out of the room and slam the door behind you. Do not look back at the confused psychiatrist in case you start giggling. Leave the building and congratulate yourself on an appointment well done.

Follow as many of these tips as you can for the best chance of your psychiatrist winning an all expenses paid trip to the local psych ward. Good luck!

PLEASE NOTE: If I have to tell you not to do any of these, you obviously are a braver person than I am. If you do attempt any or all of these I am not taking responsibility for you ending up in the loony bin or your psychiatrist having a nervous breakdown. I mean it!

ALSO NOTE: If you really do manage all of these, you will no doubt have a 'few' phone calls and/or worried letters. These are your rewards for pulling off such a magnificent appointment and any letters can be displayed proudly on your wall alongside the kudos I will send you.


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