Today's ward round went well, I went in hoping to get five hours of leave so was pleased when they gave me six hours. My meds are staying the same - 800 mg of quetiapine and my body is starting to tolerate it, meaning that I'm not so drowsy anymore. It's been all positive steps today.
But is everything positive here? The answer's a definite no. If you read this blog post you'll see the symptoms I am currently experiencing, but in short, it's mainly delusions and hallucinations - auditory and visual. I felt like the quetiapine was helping the auditory hallucinations (voices) a bit, but in all honesty, I think they're getting worse. I'm not saying it's the meds fault, but they do seem to be getting worse, particularly at night.
As for delusions, they're really tough to handle. When you're told that what you believe is false, it really makes you wonder what other memories and ideas are false. For example, I had a delusional memory three years ago that I had a daughter. When I finally realised she wasn't real, it made me analyse my memories to see which other ones could be false. And it's the same here now. I have delusional beliefs and I don't know if I have any other beliefs or memories that are also false. It's so confusing.
Also, I really hate knowing that this is affecting my family. We're a really close family, and I hate that this is having to take a high priority when there are other things that should really be taking high priority right now. I'm infinitely grateful that my family support me regardless of how my symptoms make me view them - past delusions have made me view them in a really negative light. I'm infinitely grateful that one or both of my parents take me out every afternoon so I can have a few hours of 'normal' life again. But I'm still hating the fact that this is affecting them.
So this is the point where I'm supposed to get all inspirational and say something along the lines of "I'll fight these symptoms and not let them get me down!" but that would definitely be a lie. Truth be told, these symptoms are getting me down. When I could see that what I am hearing was just voices (rather than satellites), it made me a bit depressed. I didn't want to be hearing voices again. I still don't. I don't like the visual hallucinations (seeing things) or delusional beliefs either. I'm trying to fight them but it's really tough.
So no inspiration in this blog post I'm afraid. Just honesty, in that things aren't all positive. I'm not a super human who can cope with anything and everything thrown in her path. I'm only human. But hey, maybe in the near future I'll be able to blog inspiringly and honestly.
I just hope that day comes very soon.
Have you read what Eleanor Longden, a voice hearer, has to say about her voices and how she deals with them? My youngest daughter sees things sometimes but she thinks it is funny and doesn't get upset about it.
ReplyDeleteHi Anonymous,
DeleteI have listened to Eleanor Longden's TED Talk about her voices, it's the TED Talk that I wrote my first Huffington Post piece about here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/katy-gray/the-real-dangers-of-self-stigmatization_b_3792441.html
Hallucinations don't always cause distress to the person experiencing them. A lot of people hear things and aren't bothered at all. It's only when the hallucinations turn nasty or are mixed with other symptoms that a real problem is born. If your daughter sees things but isn't bothered by them, then there's no problem. If she does start getting distressed though, it would be good to get help. But only if she does get distressed!
Hang in there! I have schizophrenia too, but the worst symptoms seem to be managed well with my zyprexa. But, it takes time to get better. I can sympathise with the feeling of confusion. How do you know what is real when your memories and feelings are telling you that these false ideas and visions are true? Thank you for your honesty in your blog.
ReplyDeleteI cannot tell you how much I enjoy reading your posts. That sounds morbidly voyeuristic! - obviously I'd much rather your life was happier for you - but you have a brilliant gift as a writer.
ReplyDeleteI have no unsolicited advice or inspiration; I'm just someone halfway across the world who has a great empathy for the human spirit. And even though this post of yours isn't inspirational, it shows my favourite part of said spirit: Grit.