Saturday, 5 January 2013

How to Enjoy your Insanity

Do you suffer from insanity or enjoy every minute of it? If you are one of those who suffers, here are some handy tips to help you enjoy your insanity.

1. Carry a large camcorder into a crowded place. Aim it at a particularly busy area and shout "Action!"

2. Statistics say that 1 in 4 people will suffer from some form of mental illness. So next time you are around three people who are certified to be sane (ie boring), remind them that they are sane because you are not. If possible, shout this at them. Tell them that you sacrificed your own sanity to keep them sane. Maybe throw in a few random phrases about "Moon Crocodiles", "Jedi Televisions" or other phrases of your choice. Remember, the louder you shout, the more they can see how much fun insanity can be.

3. Carry a notebook and pen around, making notes. Walk up to a random stranger and sniff them two or three times. Record your findings in your notebook. Something along the lines of "Subject 136 has a strange metallic smell. Possible candidate for the job. Must inform The Chosen One."

4. Take a wad of wet tissues into a busy public toilet. When you are in a cubicle, start making straining noises. Then, drop the wet tissues into the toilet from a great height. Couple the splash with a relieved "Ahh, that's better." For added giggles, wait a few seconds and say "Uh oh. That's really big. Hope it flushes. Nope, it's not going to." Walk out from the cubicle looking up at the ceiling and quickly exit the toilets whistling.

5. Laughter really is the best medicine so next time you are feeling down, laugh out loud for two minutes. Make it an evil laugh if possible, like a cross between the grinch and a hyena. It's best if this is done in a crowded room. That way you can laugh at the priceless faces of other people as they fall over one another in a bid to get away from you. Remember who these people are though. You may be able to scare them again with just a smile in the future.

6. Buy a dog lead and collar and take the collar for a walk. When people point out that you are walking a collar, give them your best 'Are you stupid?' face and tell them you know. Walk away then look back at the collar. Call to it: "Come on Collie [or other pet name], there's a good boy."

7. Buy a load of fruit and vegetables. Throw one at random people and tell them they've now had one of their five a day. Follow this up with "You're welcome." For obvious reasons, don't use watermelons, coconuts or other large and heavy fruit/vegetables. They're difficult to throw.

8. Carry a voice recorder and record your findings: "Day 18. The humans still aren't aware of who I am. Commencing Operation Salazar. Earth will be destroyed in 5 minutes."

9. Walk up to someone wearing the same colour clothes as you and tell them you find it offensive when people wear those colour clothes in public. When they point out your clothing, look at them in your best haughty expression and ask them "Don't you know who I am?" Walk away shaking your head.

10. Go into a pet shop and ask a store assistant for help. Walk them to the fish area and tell them about how you think goldfish will help you with your new business. When asked what your business is, tell them you are opening a fish and chip shop and goldfish are the tastiest fish you've ever eaten.

Follow as many of these tips as you can in the same area for your best chance of winning an all expenses paid trip to the local psych ward. Good luck!

PLEASE NOTE: If I really have to tell you not to do any of these, you obviously aren't aware of what my sense of humour is like. Don't do any of these!


  1. I love these tips! I'm still laughing!

  2. These are hysterical - but you have struck on a serious point. Which is that if we didn't care so much about what people thought of us, we probably wouldn't be nearly at as much risk of breakdown. (This was certainly the case for me - social anxiety turned out to be at the root of all my problems).

    I don't care nearly as much as I used to about other people's opinions of me - having written a book about 'being a schizophrenic' I really don't have anything left to hide.

    But maybe I will have made a complete recovery when I dare to put your tips into practice! (Don't worry, I won't - I wouldn't like to embarrass the children). x

    Oh, and by the way, my girls were laughing hysterically earlier today at a new programme on TV called 'Richard Hammond's Secret Service'. From what I could gather (I was just passing through the front room on my way to revise in the kitchen) he behaves outrageously in public, doing pretty much all the things you have described above - you should take a look.

  3. I read these at first when I was about 13 and everyone I showed them to in school found them hilarious! It's where I got the idea for this post for!

    1) When there’s only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you.

    2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

    3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

    4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

    5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, “Hi Greg. How’s your day been?”

    6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”

    7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

    Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.

    9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

    10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

    11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

    12) Ask, “Did you feel that?”

    13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

    14) When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic, they open again!”

    15) Swat at flies that don’t exist.

    16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

    17) Call out, “Group Hug!” and then enforce it.

    18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”

    19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, “Got enough air in there?”

    20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

    21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, “Your one of THEM!” and back away slowly.

    22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

    23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

    24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

    25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, “I have new socks on”.

    Taken from

  4. I should point out that the 25 tips above are 25 things to do in an elevator. I should really have included the title!

  5. I giggled so much reading this I nearly fell off the damn sofa! Absolutely brilliant! And while I get that you suggest people don't try this at home, I am sooo having a go! But I'll take some friends along, safety in numbers! XD x

  6. I believe I sacrificed my sanity as well. whatever that means. also if you wear red with white there is a good chance of running in someone else doing the same since its the target uniform.