Well, to give a bit of context, I'll have to go back a while to when I was unwell. I'd been hearing voices constantly for over a year when they finally started stopping. And when I say constantly, I mean, I'd hear them in my sleep as well as when I was awake so I never had a break from them. Anyway, when they did finally start stopping, while I was in hospital, I actually got a bit lonely and couldn't sleep. The voices were nasty voices, saying horrible things to me and trying to get me to do things that I didn't want to do. So you'd think that me getting lonely when a nasty voice went away would be a bit weird. But think about how you'd feel - imagine being in hospital without being allowed visitors and having no-one else to talk to. Despite the voices saying nasty things to you, at least they were company. Don't get me wrong - I was glad they were gone, but having no-one to replace them left a void in my life. Plus I was used to hearing them at night and in my sleep, so having peace and quiet to sleep was, well, weird. I stopped hearing the voices over a year ago and I've only just managed to fall asleep without some form of noise in the background.
But now I've 'recovered' from schizophrenia, I'm past the 'recovering' stage so I'm very happy that I no longer have to worry about the loneliness of hospital and the difficulties of getting to sleep without some form of sound. I still have difficulties when it comes to sleep but at least I can sleep in peace and quiet!!! And now I'm off the anti-psychotic medication I can sleep without having to pace up and down the room due to the restlessness side effect that they had.
You may have noticed that I used ' ' around the word recovered. Because I don't think it is possible to be completely recovered from schizophrenia. I believe it is possible to never have the symptoms of schizophrenia ever again, but I don't believe it is possible to convince the psychiatrists that you are completely sane and will never have another breakdown. Of course psychiatrists are not psychic and no-one knows if I will have another breakdown and a psychiatrist is not going to give me the clean bill of mental health if there's even a remote chance of me flipping out and doing something illegal. It's just a case of psychiatrists covering their posteriors and not wanting to get fired if a schizophrenic on their books goes crazy(er). But then again, I am very cynical of the mental health system in this country.
So there you go. A few more reasons why schizophrenia sucks. And believe me there are several more. But there are several reasons why I need to go now and they kinda outweigh the need to highlight the issues of schizophrenia. One of them being an urgent need to go to the little girls room!!!
I have a meeting scheduled with a psychiatrist in April - he did agree to see me after all! I'll let you know if I am 'recovered' after I have seen him - ha ha!
ReplyDeleteGood news that you are off meds and obviously thinking clearly, to be able to express yourself so clearly.
"I'd been hearing voices constantly for over a year when they finally started stopping. And when I say constantly, I mean, I'd hear them in my sleep as well as when I was awake so I never had a break from them. Anyway, when they did finally start stopping, while I was in hospital, I actually got a bit lonely and couldn't sleep."
ReplyDeleteIt is weird reading what you have eloquently written in your blog as I had a similar problem too, I would hear voices constantly and never got a break from them. (I was lucky however that these voices were not nasty). So when I very gradually stopped hearing the voices I found myself getting lonely too. Also at night when the voices were usually the worst, it was really weird lying in bed and not hearing things.
I heard many voices as a direct result of coming off clozapine and the olanzapine only helped a bit with the voices initially.
It is very interesting to read that you are not taking antipsychotics. How long had you been taking antipsychotics for before you were able to come off them? I think because I have been on olanzapine so long (10 years) it will be virtually impossible for me to come off it. I have tried 3 times now and felt too ill and had to go back on the full dose of olanzapine.
Hi, sorry for late reply! I have found that a few people became lonely after voices stopped so we're not alone in that respect! The first morning after the voices stopped, I woke up to the sound of silence. My first thought was that I'd died in my sleep! When I realised I was still alive, I felt 'free' in a way. I started being able to hear quiet sounds that I hadn't noticed for so long - birds chirping outside, a gentle breeze on the window. It was weird yet felt so good! It was only when the night time came that I started to feel lonely. I ended up putting a DVD on to drown out the silence as it was deafening me!
ReplyDeleteI have been off anti psychotics for 10 months now. I was on (in chronological order!) Olanzapine for 3 months, Quetiapine for 8 months, Clopixol for 3 months, Clozapine for 6 months, the last 2 months I was also on Aripiprazole and on Aripiprazole for a total of 16 months. I am still on Sertraline but am coming off that. I've been on sertraline for 4 years now. I was also on Lamotrigine last year too but not sure how long I was on that for. And of course, I was also on meds for side effects, had occasional Lorazepam and on one desperate night I tried Zopiclone!
The scary thing is, all those meds were in the space of about 3 years! (Apart from the Sertraline). If you are wanting to come off Olanzapine after being on it for so long then you'll have to do it very gradually. Maybe reduce by 5mg every three months or so and if you start struggling at any point, go back up to the last dose you felt ok? Obviously I'm not a doctor so I don't know and my memory from the time I was taking Olanzapine is almost non existent. Plus I was only on it for a few months before I pleaded with my psychiatrist to change it!
Hope this helps in some way!
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